Friday, June 24, 2011

WHY I HATE HOT DOGS (#fridayflash)

Press play for some mood music

Why did I walk out? Well, for starters I told her the last place I wanted to be was at a barbecue on my Sunday afternoon. Now, before you go and call me un-American, realize that I hate the heat. Actually, what I really wanted to do was park my ass on the couch and watch Jeter do what Jeter does best while sipping suds direct from Colorado's best brewery. Is there anything more patriotic than that? I tell you this, sir, no one -- and I mean no one -- knows the pursuit of leisure better than I. That's American.

And by the way, did I ever tell you what I hate more than the heat? Fuckin' hot dogs. Before you go and say, "Everyone loves hot dogs..." bear in mind why I deplore them. They remind me of my dad. Don't get me wrong, he was a good-enough guy who worked hard and loved his son but when my parents got divorced, weekends were tough.

It was around 1954 and men certainly didn't have the options or the carnal opportunities that seem so plentiful today. My Saturdays with Pop were really Saturdays with Spiro and his hot dog cart. My mother -- a chronic worrier -- easily dressed me for 20 degrees colder than it ever was. Are you so shocked now why I hate the heat? I was never sure of who Pop was schtupping every week, but I knew it took about three hours and cost him a finske for my babysitter Spiro the Giddy Greek. To this day, I remember that laugh and that god awful music that he managed to find on his transistor. And me? Is it any wonder why I became a pissed off little bastard who begrudgingly ate his wieners on the curb with a trusty Coke by my side?

That's why I hate the heat.

That's why I hate barbecues.

That's why I hate hot dogs.

And by the way, did I ever tell you that my name was Frank. Yup. The irony...

Music: Me Kalese Mi Arhondisa. It can be downloaded HERE.


  1. Very good reasons to hate hot dogs... and the heat.

  2. Poor kid, over dressed and abandoned at a hot dog stand - I'm half Greek and that music would get me down!

    As always your writing brought a smile to my face as you painted a very vivid picture of this kid's Saturday's with pop! :)

  3. Very clever. Got a real sense of who Frank was. Sometimes grumpy can convey so much.

  4. Jeter? How can any Yankee be the all American patriotism thing? The Yankees are the devil's spawn!

    That aside, I loved this tale!

  5. Oh MY! That is the BEST hot dog-eatin' photo I have EVER seen. EVER!!!! Look at his face! Laughing out loud, here, honestly.
    And the pissed off narration perfectly suits that kid's grown-up gub. Brusque. Angry. To the point. And hilarious. Then I listened to the music. HA!
    You hit a home run with me today, Ant. Perfect!!!!

  6. I like it! I can see why frank would hate the heat and hot dogs... sounds like shitty times associated with each.

    But hey.. when life hands you hot dogs, just choke them down and drown out the taste with an ice cold beer... or seven.

    Mmmm... BBQ Hot dogs and beer... well I Guess BBQ (insert meat here) and beer!

  7. Great photo, and the story...oh man. That was a good chuckle.

  8. Nice capper on the end . . . Frank. Yeah, I laughed.

  9. I just wanna know where the heck you find these photos?!

    LOL. It was cute. :)

    Now what's a Jeter? A Yankee? And don't men speak English??!!


  10. Stick your feet in the cooler, get a beverage, and order a hamburger. Problem solved!

  11. When I was about 10, we had Sam, Sam, the hot dog man in our neighborhood. That was when each block had it's own ethnicity. The Greeks here....The Italians there....The Bohemians on the next block. Wow, this just took me back to my childhood in Bridgeport on the South side of Chicago. Great short!

  12. As usual, sir, the perfect trifecta of words, music and visuals. Nicely done.

  13. I love the photo.. and loved the short to the point story that accompanied it. I thought is was a true story from you life in reading it. So I have to ask.. do YOU like hot dogs?

  14. I completely understand now...
    Thanks for the laugh!

  15. This reminded me of ' A Christmas Story' for some reason. aawww, Frankie, you'll shoot your eye out! (that has nothing to do with weiners but..) This is def a good ol' American tale. Beer, hot dogs, and damn the heat! Damn it.

  16. ... For those that are wondering, I looooove hot dogs. ;)

  17. I love that the Coke, at least, he trusts. Poor kid!

  18. Dear Frank N. Furter,

    Your excellent story resonated with me. I too enjoy the "pursuit of leisure" and a three hour schtup on a Saturday afternoon. And who the heck wants to eat HOT dogs when it's friggin' HOT outside? Give me a good old American Reuben sandwich!


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