Friday, June 17, 2011

BARBIE'S MILK BUBBLES (#fridayflash)

Press play for some mood music

Looking back, I can say with complete authority that Mom was usually a fun sponge who could suck the joy out of a Saturday morning cartoon with just one look.

I put up with it for years. And so did Pop. After a while, it was the norm. So much so that when we saw a smile, we got worried. Nevertheless, she was always dependable and Pop and I relied on her to keep the house above water.

It had been a while since they entertained and it must have been Pop's birthday because I remember hearing over and over about some sort of present he hadn't received. Something he seemed to have wanted a while.

Devouring my Saturday morning bowl of Cap'n Crunch while staring hopelessly into an episode of "Super Friends," I remember hearing about this so-called present and how Mom had it. I was stoked. I mean, shit, what little kid doesn't wanna help unwrap a gift, right?

After a few minutes of slurping milk, I snuck my way up the stairs. They didn't have a lock on any of the doors because I had a habit of barricading myself during hide and seek sessions and hiding for hours. After creeping into their room, I didn't see any box or gift wrapping.

# # #

That night, I watched Pop blow out the candles of his cake and for once, he looked relaxed. Happier. Even Mom didn't look quite as miserable as she normally did.

Me? I was fucking bored. The neighbors brought over their daughter Karin who kept egging me on to play with her Malibu Barbie. After saying no a few times, I don't know what compelled me to rip off the doll's sundress and run into the dining room. Even worse and somewhat perverse was the fact that I was also clutching onto a Mickey Mouse figurine.

And there I was. to the horror of my parents: A three year-old going to town on Barbie's milk bubbles.

"Ralphie!" Mom shouted in a whisper. "Stop that!"

I heard her but I kept slobbering on the bulbous plastic. In fact, I think I might have even moaned a bit. Our guests were cracking up, so I kept on. The little showman that I was...

My Pop ran over and kneeled in front of me. He laughed, more out of embarrassment and said in front of the group almost reassuringly, "Little boys don't do those things. You're hurting the doll..."

And this is where it gets good because I stopped licking Barbie's boobs and answered, "But it didn't seem to be hurting Mommy this morning."

Half of our guests stifled their laughs -- the other half made it painfully obvious that they were glad to have made our soiree.

After that night, Mom went back to being miserable, Pop disgruntled, and in the process, I think I subliminally became an "ass man."

Music: The Pink Panther theme by Henry Mancini. It can be downloaded HERE.


  1. That was funny, love it! Always the writing is brilliant. - Just shows how impressionable youngsters can be eh!

    I think I found a typo for you:

    "After creaking into their room," should creaking be creeping?

  2. I can almost see you rooting for a kid to do this at a party, Ant.

  3. Thanks, Helen ... You're right. I had creaking and it just didn't sound right.

    And John ... Not sure about THAT one. Altho, I think it would be kinda funny ;)

  4. Love the notion of 'fun sponge'.

    You are aware with the idiom of 'fun bags' for the mammaries I take it?

    That last line is a fantastic punchline, I laughed my manboobs off!

    marc nash

  5. Nice Friday Funny. Thanks for the music too. Worked well. Poor Ralphie.

    Or should I say, good for Ralphie...nothing wrong with being an ass man.

  6. Oh my, that's just so wrong...

    Wonderfully written. :)

  7. Too funny all the way from the title to the last line.

  8. Too funny all the way from the title to the last line.

  9. i'm pretty sure i'll never see "fun" and "sponge" used consecutively like that. this is a hoot.

  10. Where on EARTH do you get these photos????
    Love how you build stories around them... I mean, it must be that way right? You just don't google 'kid licking Barbie's milk bubbles' and come up with this kind of gold!
    Very funny, Anthony. You are one of a kind.

  11. This is a sweet, sad story, well told. It really does sound like a true anecdote, Anthony. Is it?

  12. Refreshing piece. Funny, sad, poignant.

  13. That was adorable! Sounds like perfect wedding toast blackmail to me. ;)

    Poor Pops, though, doubt he'll be getting any for awhile. LOL.


  14. Kat's right, it does sound like one of those stories that's dredged up at wedding receptions.

    That was a classic, man. The atmosphere's probably reflective of a lot of households. Well told.

  15. I laughed out line. That last line had me roaring.

    Poor dad, I don't think he got many more presents.

  16. Ha.. only you would write this and have me laughing all the way through.. and that picture..

    good to be back over here reading you.. so entertaining my friend:-)

  17. Oh the trauma we suffer as children. All because they tear us away from our god-given polymorphous perversity.

  18. An ass man. LOL Funny.
    Locks on CERTAIN doors are important. =D


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