Please press play for some mood music
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the bar...
... Snappy the elf annoyed those near and afar.
Five minutes into his dinner break from Santa's Workshop, he wormed into the Applebee's bar and climbed up on the stool and cozied up to a blonde in a tight cashmere sweater. "Quite a set of ornaments you've got there, Puddin'," Snappy said. "And I got the keys to the sleigh tonight if you wanna get off the naughty list."
The blonde politely laughed him off, unsure of how to respond as a perky barmaid approached. She asked Slappy if he wanted his 'usual'.
"Say it..." Slappy instructed.
"I'm not sayin' that," she told the elf.
"Extra finske for you if you do. And loud..." The barmaid quickly went to the opposite side of the bar and sloshed a few bottles into a mixer and returned, happily chirping, "Here ya go, Slappy... A 'Pink Panty Dropper'."
"Thanks doll..." Slappy said throwing down a ten spot. "Say, when are you coming home with me?"
The barmaid playfully flicked his chin. "When Santa divorces Mrs. Claus."
"Too bad... " Slappy said giggling. "One night with me, baby, and you'd be sneezin' tinsel."
Slappy turned back to the blonde. "What's in your drink?" she asked.
"What's it matter sweetums? It's all good..." Just then, Slappy heard a male voice. "It looks like a fruit drink to me..."
Being that it was two days before Christmas, Slappy was used to pissing off women, but not their boyfriends. "Well if it ain't the heat miser..."
The boyfriend got up and approached Slappy, "Wha'cha say to me you little twerp?"
"Don't bother, hon..." the blonde said to him. "He's only having some fun."
Slappy slurped the last of his drink and said to her deadpan, "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys."
The blonde smirked and shrugged her shoulders to her beefy boyfriend in that "I tried to warn him" sorta way.
When Slappy got up from the ground, he rubbed his jaw. "Yo bub, just because I have bells on my shoes don't mean I'm a sissy." He went on like that all night.
Photo: Flickr - Abi Skip; Music: "Jingle Bombs" by Stephen Johnson. It can be downloaded HERE.
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"One night with me, baby, and you'd be sneezin' tinsel."
ReplyDeleteGreat elf'n line Anthony!
Merry Christmas!
What a great story.. Too funny and I agree with Harry, that is a great line..
ReplyDeleteHave a wonderful Christmas Anthony!!!!
Ha! I pictured some gritty elf from the streets who was kidnapped to work in the North Pole. Sneezin' tinsel line was perfect. Very funny.
ReplyDeleteLove the title. Very cute and some great pick-up lines -- not! Merry Christmas, Ant. Peace...
ReplyDeleteOh my, the one liners were just CLASSIC. Too funny!
ReplyDeleteYour elves hit the sauce atypically hard. Some grins here, Anthony. Merry Christmas!
ReplyDeleteNow really, you should have posted the photo of the girl in the cashmere sweater with the ornaments instead of Slappy. Great stuff, Anthony. I, too, really enjoyed the 'tinsel' line.
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas to you and your family.
I can imagine how he got the name Slappy. Fun story of the seedy side of elves. :)
ReplyDeleteGreat laugh - thank you, Merry Christmas!
ReplyDeleteAt least Slappy doesn't take a punch to the face as a deterrent. Wonder if his lines ever work. No, on second thought, I don't want to know.
ReplyDeleteGood story!
Good Christmas giggle, Anthony. Have a great time, mate. Eat, drink and be very merry!!
ReplyDeleteAhahaha! Sneezin' tinsel - hilarious Ant! Love this one!
ReplyDeleteI hope you had a wonderful Christmas!
He doesn't know when to give up, does he?
ReplyDeleteVery funny and, as the others, the one-lineers (and one liner in particular) were terrific.
He doesn't know when to give up, does he?
ReplyDeleteGreat fun and, as with the others, I love the one-liners (one liner in particular.)