Tuesday, May 11, 2010


Blogger Buddy Bish over at Bish's Beat gave my the skinny on this a while back. It seems that some industrious sorts have composed a plethora of stories of poems in the Bukowski vein and titled them "What if Bukowski wrote PEANUTS." It's simply hilarious and I'll post an excerpt. Somewhere we think Charles Schultz is rolling over in his grave.


It began as a mistake.

The first time that Charles Branaski met Lucy Van Pelt, she was holding a football. He didn’t care for the game, baseball was his thing. Still, she held out that old football.

“Just kick the fucking thing,” she said.

“Listen, babe. You just hold that thing steady and I’ll kick the shit out of it.”

She threw her head back and laughed. She laughed long and hard and propped up the football. Charlie took a running start and he reared back his leg and kicked as hard as he could. Lucy was laughing too hard to hold the ball steady and it slipped out of her hand. Charlie missed the ball and flew straight up in the air and landed flat on his back.

“AUUUGGGGHHH,” he said.

“You should have seen your face, Charlie Branaski,” she said. Then she laughed twice as hard.

“Listen, you crazy bitch. I think I broke my ass. Jesus Christ!”

She helped him up. “Look, I’m sorry about that. You try it again and I’ll hold it real steady this time.”

“O.K., Lucy. I’ll do it on more time, but that’s it. You hold it this time, got it?”

“I promise,” she said.

He dusted himself off. God o mighty, his ass ached! He walked a little ways away and Lucy set up the old football again. He took a deep breath and a running start. He could see she was holding it tight. He was really going to kick the shit out of that old football! He threw his leg forward with all his might and Lucy yanked the football away just as he kicked at it. He landed on his ass again.

“AUUUGGGGHHH,” he said again.

Lucy laughed and laughed and left with the football. Charlie laid there and groaned. Good grief, he thought. What a cunt.


  1. That was so funny. I used to read peanuts in my dad'd newspaper when I was younger and used to watch it on TV and you can imagine the little characters talking like that. I'll be heading over to the site to read more. Thanks, Anthony.

  2. THAT IS THE FUNNIEST THING -like, probably EVER. OMG - I laughed my ass off!

  3. as a great fan of both this made my entire world make sense and now I can get out of therapy. thank you.

  4. "Good grief," indeed! Wow, it's the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup of literature!

  5. “Listen, babe. You just hold that thing steady and I’ll kick the shit out of it."

    Anthony! I'm laughing so hard. This is *awful* in all the right ways.Good grief! That'll be five cents please.

    Thanks for sharing.

  6. Somehow missed this the first time round, Anthony. Glad I came back for a look.
    This has got to be the funniest take on Peanuts I have ever seen. I can just imagine Charles' face!! Great, thanks for sharing!


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