7 QUICK & EASY WAYS TO FIX THE OSCARS

© 2009 The Oscars are in need of a major reboot and guess what? It's not that hard to figure out., Flickr | CC-BY | via Wylio

The Oscars came last night but they didn't conquer. In fact, it was the first ceremony ever to put me into a DVR-rewinding coma. The Oscars, like most of the film franchises in the movie biz, are in serious need of a reboot. And guess what? It's not that hard. Even implementing a few of the suggestions below would make for a show svelter than the new Zach Galifianakis.

MAKE THEM SHORTER

I know it's three hours earlier on the West Coast and all but yadda yadda yadda. Quite frankly, the rest of the TV-watching world is on a different clock. Start the telecast at 8 p.m. Eastern (no more of that ridiculous 8:30 p.m. jazz) and cut it off at 11 p.m. sharp. If the Golden Globes can do it, so can The Academy.

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COURT A LEGACY HOST

Doogie was just ... Meh. Ellen and her star-studded selfie was more in tune with what the show needs. The Acedemy needs to find a great comical host and groom him or her to be with the telecast for at least a decade. Sign a multi-deal contract with said performer and allow them to build a rapport with the audience through the years. It's the only way people will stop talking about Billy Crystal and Johnny Carson (no disrespect to either of those excellent masters of ceremonies)

DITCH THE ACCOUNTANTS

Seriously... Who gives a shit?

MAKE IT ABOUT MOVIES

I know we need music and (even dancing) interludes from time to time but something about seeing Maroon 5's Adam Levine crooning makes me think I stumbled onto the MTV Music Awards.

ONLY FILM INDUSTRY TYPES

Why am I seeing TV people presenting the most esteemed showbiz award on the planet? Again, I want this night to be about Hollywood and the film industry glamour that the rest of us in the Rat Race never gets to experience. I don't want my entertainment worlds colliding. STOP!

DUMP THE TECH AWARDS

No disrespect to the sound guy on "American Sniper" but I couldn't give a rat's patootie about sound mixing or sound editing. And I'm guessing the rest of the waking world doesn't either. Sorry, bro. Nothing personal.

CHANNEL THE GLOBES

Yes, that OTHER awards show knows how to let its hair down and it more than shows. The remedy? Booze and food. Make the goddamned show a party.

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