DRAMA'S WET DREAM: A MODERN PULP (#fridayflash)

Press play for some mood music


I worked the door at Toyland, a titty bar on Fillmore, and when I tell you that this broad was drama's wet dream, believe it. This kid had a story for everything.

And the funny thing? Her name was Drama -- at least that was her stripper name. I know, dumb moniker for a dancer but then, most of them weren't too bright.

The way I saw it, there were four kinds of strippers. 'Snowflake' was usually the pretty dope fiend who was so spaced, she'd barely make money for her next fix. 'Madison' was usually the cute freckled college kid, paying her way through school, and hoping her dad or boyfriend wouldn't trot in at any given moment. Then there were the ones I called 'Ivy' -- normally the hot moms -- who turned to the pole to feed their toddlers. If you did enough trolling, you just may find these cougars on a porn site or two. Lastly? 'Porsche' was the out-of-place minority gal who, in most cases, raked in more dough than all the ladies combined. But that was usually on nights Drama wasn't working. And yeah, you can just imagine, the other chicks hated Drama. And for good reason.

I started to watch the girl as soon as Dino hired her. Normally, he had a thing for chicks built like brick shithouses but Drama wasn't curvy at all. In fact, she always struck me as needing an extra sandwich. But still way sexy. She had that thing. Guys'll know what I mean. Body aside, she had a way with the lappers and always got them to pay more for a sweaty crotch grind than the other gals. It was almost beautiful to watch. Drama had them so wrapped that these briefcase bums didn't know what hit 'em. To this day, I always wondered how they explained the stain on their pants to the misses.

* * *

After a few months, Dino started to get complaints about his top-rated dancer. It turns out that Little Miss Drama was a thief of the watch and wallet order. Small time, but still, try explaining to a pissed wife why your wedding ring is missing.

I was ordered to confront her about it and, one night just before last call, I cornered Drama in the Champagne Room where it was just the two of us. After locking the door, I turned to her and smiled.

"What's the deal with the money you've been stealing?" I asked.

Halfway expecting this little chickadee to cry, I was kinda shocked when she asked me if I wanted a cut.

Fuck it, I called her bluff and said sure. I told her that it would buy my silence. Drama took a swig of whatever top-shelf hooch that was left behind from the cum stain that had just left. She dug deep into her large purse. I was expecting some green but she pulled out a pistol. What was I gonna do? She had me.

I told the rest of the joint that the bullet hole to my leg was compliments of a bar fight between two wannabe wiseguys. No cops were going to be called.Was I really gonna admit that I was taken by a 98 pound stripper? One named Drama no less? Nope. I'm taking this one to the grave.

And while I'm at it, I'll add a fifth kind of stripper to my list --' Drama' -- a dancer so fucking sexy she'd pick your pocket and you'd probably let her.

Did I mention I'm not working the door anymore?

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'THE WIRE': A 'F#@K' OF A SCENE (AND SHOW)

Wendell Pierce and Dominic West in 'The Wire.'

I missed "The Wire" on the first go-round. I know, I know... Dumb.

Initially, I tried it out and for whatever reason, didn't stick with the cerebral HBO drama past its initial sixty minutes of the HBO drama. I suspect there are many like myself who opted to watch the exploits of depressed gangster Tony Soprano in New Jersey than the bleak interactions of criminals and police within the crime-riddled streets of Baltimore Maryland. "The Wire" wasn't as watercooler but make no mistakes, is every bit the as great as "The Sopranos." Need proof? To this day, it's always one of those shows that wind up on every conceivable critic's 'BEST FREAKIN' SHOWS EVER' list. And even after all that, it somehow, still managed to pass me by.

Years passed. I had the entire series just waiting for me, shrink-wrapped, and beckoning. Me? I was planning to delve into the show if I had ever broken a leg and was couch-bound. Well, I never broke the leg, but recently, I caved and after plumetting through the initial set up, I was in. Hook, line and sinker...

Granted, the series takes a few episodes to introduce a multitude of characters but, if you can hang that long, the payoffs begin to swifty arrive.

There's nothing I can say here that will possibly do it any more justice than the plethora of of scribes that have already sang its praises so I'll just add: Apart from "Treme" (also created by "The Wire" showrunner  Joe Simon), no other show I've ever watched is as multi-layered, complex, frustrating and powerful. It's a novel exploding into your television and shouldn't be dimissed as a mere "cop show." It's much more than that. Much more. In fact, many novelists provide the scripts including Richard Price, Dennis Lehane and George Pelecanos.

I'll leave you with a video of one of the first season's benchmark scenes. In the fourth episode entitled "Old Cases," Baltimore Detetctives Jimmy McNulty and Bunk Moreland (Dominic West and Wendell Pierce) search an empty apartment for any uncovered clues that may have been left behind in the unsolved murder of a young woman named Diedre Kresson.

Here's the deal, though -- they reframe the violet events of the crime using only one word: "Fuck" (and other colorful variations of the curse). It's a doozy and a testament to how great the actors are and how powerful the writing is. Even with just one word.

WARNING: NSFW

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, EDGAR ALLAN POE

Edgar Allan Bro...

Big birthday week 'round these parts... It's Jan. 19 so let's give a hearty and happy 203rd birthday to the inventor of the detective novel (and uber horror master) Edgar Allan Poe.

Enjoy some tales below ...



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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CHAMP!

May 25, 1965 - Ali knocks out Sonny Liston in first minute of the first round.

Happy 70th birthday to the greatest boxer who ever lived - Muhammad Ali... 

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'MOONSHINERS': REAL OR FAKE?

So I'm doing what  people do on New Years Eve and Day -- watch marathons -- and I come across a show both awesome and odd at the same time. It's called 'Moonshiners' and it airs on The Discovery Channel.

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It centers on those who brew their shine - often in the woods near their homes using camouflaged equipment — and the local authorities who try to keep them honest. According to the network, viewers will witness practices rarely seen on television including the sacred rite of passage for a moonshiner — firing up the still for the first time. This is where it gets tricky. "Moonshiners" includes actual western Virginia state ABC agents and while I thought that, in and of itself was quite odd, it turns out that the plot is thickening a bit.

The Associated Press reports that the program misleads viewers into thinking the state is tolerating illegal booze manufacturing and that it wouldn't have participated if they knew how the episodes would turn out. Virginia Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control spokeswoman Kathleen Shaw told the AP that viewers have asked why the state is allowing a crime to take place?

MY POEM AND AUDIO READING: 'THE BOOTLEGGER'

Here's the rub: Shaw said the show is a dramatization, and no illegal liquor is actually being produced. "If illegal activity was actually taking place, the Virginia ABC Bureau of Law Enforcement would have taken action," Shaw wrote. But it certainly appears differently on the show. The department issued a statement saying it would not have participated in the filming had they known how the show would've turned out. "Virginia ABC agreed to participate in an informative piece that documents the history of moonshine and moonshine investigations in Virginia. Virginia ABC did not participate nor was aware of the false depiction of moonshine manufacturing, distribution and/or transportation in the filming, and would not have participated in the 'documentary' had it known of this portrayal," the statement said.

The origin of moonshining in the United States has been linked with the Whiskey Rebellion during the 1790's. Under President George Washington, a Federal tax was imposed on whiskey, which farmers strongly resented — leading to a backlash and rise in illegal distillers. Even the origins of NASCAR have been linked back to the skilled driving of moonshiners eluding law enforcement.

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HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Here's wishing everyone a prosperous and healthy 2012

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